offensive religious jokes

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how you will ask the congregation to come up with more money than waiting for repairs to the church. Therefore, the organist spoke of how inspiring he could play music after the announcement of the financial affairs of the congregation, which is the atmosphere. “Do not worry,” he said. “I’ll think of something.” The service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and sisters, we are very heavy, the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $ 4,000 more. Someone who pledged $ 100 or more, please stand up. “Just at that moment, the organist began to play” The Star Spangled Banner. ”

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Noah went to see, to ask God in a new and improved “ark”. “Okay, Noah. I think it’s time to have a new boat,” said God. “Take a seat, tell me your ideas and I start a design.” “Well, first of all, I would like that a lot of floors. Say, 5 or 6,” Noah said. “Ok … 5 or 6 floors” “I’d like a few spaces on the first floor, that things in.”
“Better places.” And this is God’s plan begins with a few designs Noah. “Would you like some animals there to start you off?” God asked him. “Erm … Fish!” Noah replied. “Fish. Okay. Which? Any strange?”

“Carp, and a lot of them,” said Noah. “Carp. Something else is needed?” God asked. And went through the various elements, such as color, doors, windows, etc. Finally, between them, they’d come out of the design that we both agreed on. Leaning back in his chair admiring the new “chest”, God asked Noah, “So, what are you going to call? Have you thought of something?” “Well God. Thought I would call” Noah’s Ark Carp Multi-Story ”

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One day in Sunday school, the teacher spoke to the children of Jesus, “Bobby, where is Jesus?” the teacher asked. “Jesus is in heaven.” Bobby said. “Very good”, said the teacher. The teacher then asked a little girl, “Where is Jesus, Emily?”. Emily said innocently, “Jesus is in my heart”. The teacher smiled at little Emily, and said, “How very sweet”. The teacher now asked Timmy, “Timmy, where is Jesus?”. “Jesus in the bathroom.” said sure. “Please, elaborate, Timmy.” The teacher said. Timmy, then replied, “Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells., Jesus Christ, you’re still there!”

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Pastor shocked people when he announced that he had resigned from the church and moving to a drier climate. After the service, a lady came very misguided and Pastor’s with tears in her eyes, “Oh, Pastor Bob, we will remember you very much. We do not want you to leave!” Quality hearted pastor patted her hand and said, “Now, now, Carolyn, do not carry on. Pastor is taking place for me even better than me.”

“Yeah,” he said, with a ringing of disappointment in his voice: “That’s what they said the last time too … ”

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A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he is old right page. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He collected objects, she looked at him. What he saw was an old leaf that had pressed in between the pages. “Mother, look what I found,” the boy called out. “What you got, my dear?” With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”

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Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the house of God. One Sunday a lady arrived without covering her head. The priest informs him that he can not enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appeared set blouse tied in mind. Surprises priest says, “Madam, I can not allow you to enter this place dedicated to God without wearing a blouse.” “But, Father, I have a divine right,”
informs. “Yes, I see. One left is not bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter * this * church!” he insists.

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One Sunday morning, the priest noticed Little Johnny was set up in the large plate was hanging in the Foyer of the church. It was covered with words, and the American flag was mounted on each side of it. Old in seven years was fixed plate for some time, so the priest, walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, “Good morning, Little Johnny.”

“Good morning, Father,” replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. “Father Scott, what is this?” Little Johnny asked. “Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in service.” Sobreman, they stood together, set in large plate. Little Johnny’s voice was barely audible when he asked, “Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?”

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Pope was visiting town and all residents are dressed up in their best Sunday clothes. Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope. One local man put on his best suit, and he is sure the Pope will stop and talk to her. He is standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking bum who smell good.

As the Pope comes walking by he leaned over and said something to the bum and then the righteous man in premises. He can not believe it, then, it hit him. Pope will not talk to him, he was concerned about the poor people, even poor and and empty.

Thinking quickly, he gave the bum $ 20 to trade clothes with her. He put on clothes bum and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the Pope to stop and talk to her. Sure enough, the Pope walked right up to him this time, leaning on close and said “I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!”

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Superior calls all the nuns together and said to them, “I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.” “Thank God,” said an elderly nun at the back of the room: “I’m so tired of chardonnay …”

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Jesus and Moses get together for a little reunion. Moses said: “I parted the sea for a long time.” Thus, he raises his hands, and the sea parts. He looks at Jesus and says, “Damn, that was fun.” Thus, Jesus looks at Moses and says: “I do not walk on water for a long time.” Jesus begins to walk on water. It goes about 10 feet and sinks, so it floats scale “What the hell went went wrong? I want to try again.” This time it goes about 20 feet and he drowns because he swims scale “I still do not know what happened, I’m going to try again.” It goes about 30 feet and sinks, so it floats scale He looks directly at Moses and says, “I know why I can not do that. Last time I tried I did not have holes in the legs.”

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Catholic, Baptist and Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.
“I have four boys and my wife is still waiting for one. Yet another son, and I will eat basketball team!” said Catholics.

“This is nothing!” Said Baptist.” I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. Yet another son, and I’ll have a football team!”

“Both of you should be ashamed!” Said Mormons.” I have seventeen wives. One more and I’ll have a golf course!”

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A priest and a rabbi walk down the street together, and they both want to drink, but they have no money for them. The priest says, “I have an idea how to get us some free drinks.” He walks in one and rabbi stands at the door and watch. The priest orders a drink, drinks it, and then the bartender gives him the tab. The priest says, “But my son, I have already paid for the booze.” Bartender says, “I’m sorry, father, but he is very busy here and I have to forget.” Rabbi comes in and orders a drink. Once he drinks , the bartender gives him the tab and the rabbi says, “Son, I paid you when I ordered a drink.” Bartender says, “I’m sorry, Rabbi, I do not know what’s wrong with me, but that’s the second time that happened with me today. “Rabbi says,” That’s good, son, no offense taken. Now, let me change the twenty I gave you, and I’ll be on my way. “

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